I wrote this poem as both Rondel and Triolet, as a challenge to see how it would be to see the same idea written in two formats. Working title "The Beggar at the Mall" inspired by a man panhandling outside of our local shopping mall.
Rondel:
The old man begs beside the road,
once noble warrior deep inside.
Ragged fatigues yet worn implied
the debt to him that still is owed.
His head still hears the bombs explode,
their voices screaming as they died.
The old man begs beside the road,
once noble warrior deep inside.
Carries Purple Heart bestowed
in jacket pocket, at his side.
A war hero that never lied.
Alone, he bears his heavy load,
the old man begs beside the road.
©Copyright G. Brannan November 2010
 |
| Image: Politico "Homeless Vet" |
A Rondel is a French form consisting of 13 lines: two quatrains, and a quintet, rhyming as follows: ABba abAB abbaA. The capital letters are the refrains, or repeats.
Hmmm, I definitely prefer the triolet. This is well done too, but the scene is a brief depiction, so I think the other's format better suited it. I have to say, S3L3 doesn't seem to fit - it sounds included to conform to the format. Not sure what you could replace it with. Maybe use "died" or rephrase the verse a little? Entirely up to you of course, that's just my take.
ReplyDeleteGlad to know the inspiration for this piece. It comes from the most amazing places sometimes, right?