You never hear a word I say
made up your mind, you’ve made your choice--
now all you hear is background noise.
This fettered life in disarray--
still you ignore, while I implore,
and passion wallows in decay.
Seems I no longer have a voice,
you never hear a word I say.
whew very tough verse ginny...being ignored for me is worse tjan being alone
ReplyDeleteSorry that this comment is in the wrong place--it is my computer today---beautiful write--the repetition, given the subject matter, works really well--
DeleteAin't love grand?
ReplyDeleteThis has great balance and the repetition is subtler than it would seem--kind of gets in your brain. And as a feeling, I can definitely relate.
ReplyDeleteBeing ignored in all those angry silences is awful, you've captured it so well here.
ReplyDeleteI really like this. The theme is heavy but the read is song-like. Really nice job here. Thanks
ReplyDeleteI agree with hedgewitch about the repetition. Simple and elegant word choice. It reminds me of my mum and my sister.
ReplyDeleteI think many elderly people feel this way as they have told me how their voice is no longer listened to, no longer carries any weight. This is our fault of course, the elderly are not given the respect they should, as they do in other cultures. A short but extremely profound poem.
ReplyDeleteGinny, This is so compact and distilled. That only adds to the "punch" of the content. The voice of the poem speaks so loudly (but in a quiet way, if that makes sense): Indifference is the cruelest thing
ReplyDeleteSparse and strong. The sparseness works well, especially the final two lines--they come up suddenly. The poem ends suddenly but why say more when no one is listening. I also like the near-rhymes of "choice" and "noise." "Noise" with it's "s" buzzing like a "z" hangs around a bit longer than "choice" and aurally highlights that background white noise that the words become to the non-listener in the poem.
ReplyDeleteThe format I chose, the Octain (created by Luke Prater, poet, writer and submitter to d'Verse) calls for 8 lines -rhyme scheme A,b,b; a,c/c,a; b,A--so repetition of the first line as the last, and an internal rhyme in line 5. I like the format because it is both simple (8 lines, 8 beats per line) and complex with it's specific rhyme scheme and the internal rhyme. In this case it worked quite well with what I wanted to say. I appreciate your thoughts on the near-rhyme, not exact but close enough to work. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
DeleteShort, sharp - hit me like a sledgehammer. Damn - I LOVE poetry like this. You just said IT. No pissing about - you just told it - raw emotion. Loved the wording, 'passion wallows in decay'- I hope the is a verse penned from old memories, or if someone else. It feels so personal - if it is- I applaud you- and also send a big old hug your way.
ReplyDeleteStu, My writing almost always contains a little piece of myself in some way. I have a tendency in my writing to take a moment, a fleeting emotion, and expound on it to set a tone, pull a feeling into the poem. This one stems from being hushed one too many times mid-sentance. Makes me quite frustrated...okay, I'll say it...pretty damn mad! So I expounded...
DeleteBTW, I never pass up a hug from a friend--thanks!
ugh..not good...all is better than being ignored...what is left then...nicely penned ginny
ReplyDeleteSo honest and raw.
ReplyDeleteThe indifference of others stings worse than anything I've ever known.
It's bad when things get to this point. We need to be heard, we are beings of communication and it nourishes us and makes us whole. I hope you know that poetry is a voice you can rely on.
ReplyDeleteOh that damn wall a relationship can hit..you have stated it perfectly.
ReplyDeletetight, concise, moving and crafted perfectly to form :) Wonderful share
ReplyDeleteAuthentic emotion expressed with great economy and precision.
ReplyDeleteI been there and this captured it perfectly. Loved the structure you used.
ReplyDeleteThanks Mosk