A Lot Like Fear

 

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.

  — C.S. Lewis

 

Grief is like being a dark tunnel, the light so far away

that you don’t know if you will ever reach it again...

Each ‘sorry’ echoes and amplifies in your head.

constant reminders of that loss,

—as if you need a reminder—

There are physical manifestations: 

a weight in the shoulders, a knot in the neck, tightness in the chest. 

You scuff and shuffle along,  going through the motions

trying to keep up the illusion of being okay.

There’s panic: the voice in your head screaming “What’s next?”

And the ongoing scrutiny of others constantly assessing you;

the ever present “How are you doing? “No, how are you really doing?”

—How the Hell do you think I’m doing?

You see, grief feels a lot like anger, too.

– Anger at God for unanswered prayer

– Anger at the world for continuing to turn despite your loss

– Anger at the one who’s gone for leaving

– Anger at yourself for being unable to stop it

Sadness, pain, loneliness, anger; the four horsemen of death and loss...

 

  and yes, grief does indeed feel a lot like fear

© Ginny Brannan 2024