Monday, May 16, 2011

Refracted Images (Octain)

The years go spinning by so fast--
the awkwardness and trials of youth
have given way to different truth.

No thought to how we’d be recast
when we were young and having fun,
and days and months were flowing past.

But time is harsh and so uncouth--
the years go spinning by so fast.


© Copyright Ginny Brannan May 16, 2010


Inspired by a dear friend's birthday. Time stops for no one, but it surely helps having friends that are right there along side to share it with you.


Shared at One Stop Poetry, Monday 5/16/2011 




15 comments:

  1. Amen sister! Great Ocatine, and I can soooo relate to those words!

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  2. Great use of the form. Time seems to be on everyone's minds today. I thought this flowed effortlessly. Well done. Gay

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  3. Nice flow and good rhyme. I like the theme and the execution. Well done.

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  4. Your rhythm had that inexorable push to it, so in keeping with your theme. Lovely piece.

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  5. Hi Ginny -

    Nice piece. Meter is spot-on, it reads very smoothly except in one place, where I had had only a minor stumble and I wouldn't even say you fell out of your iambic rhythm. Line seven - 'Time can be harsh...' - the first word 'Time' felt a little to me like it wanted to be stressed, being the subject noun, and therefore the focus, of the line. But it's borderline; some may want to stress 'can' to emphasise just how harsh time can be, as in 'time CAN be harsh, you know'. Something to think about maybe, I'm not even calling it a metrical issue. Just that it made me stumble a little and if it wee mine I'd probably try, (only of there was an obvious way though) to get 'time' as a stressed syllable rather than an unstressed one. For instance you could have it as 'But time is harsh and so uncouth'
    (but TIME | is HARSH | and SO | un COUTH).

    'young'/'having fun' maybe slightly corny as rhyme, heard a lot. Not a huge issue though, there aren't any I can see in this poem. This might be the only way to say it, and sometimes such words/phrases have there place. Actually I'm realising the biggest challenge with this form is that c/c line and getting the internal rhyme in so it doesn't sound forced/corny etc. Quite tricky when only 8 syllables per line. For many a challenge to get mid-line rhyme in, period. I think it's a crucial element though.

    Your piece has a lot to say; a lot of truth in it and it's not easy to write on big topics like this without coming over as either pretentious/preachy, or out of one's depth. You've done just great and I think it's what most makes this piece shine. Your 2nd and 3rd lines are excellent and beautifully-rendered to give that humble yet wise Narrative Voice -

    the awkwardness and trials of youth
    have given way to different truth

    No compromise on words to fit meter or rhyme, which is just how it should be :)Thanks for writing another Octain, enjoyed visiting your blog again (very pretty around here!). Hope my comments were somewhat helpful.

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  6. Ginny, this is so true. I'm having fun seeing where everyone took the prompt. Nice job.

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  7. Luke, I like your suggestion for L7 and will change my poem to reflect that. Re: L5 with c/c rhyme. I knew it might be considered a little cliche' when I was writing it down, but also thought it reflected the simplicity of how we think in youth. It was well thought about before I decided to post it as it is. As always, thank you for your suggestions and comments.

    Also my thanks to Mary, Beachanny, Penny, Kerry, and Victoria, for taking a moment to read and comment. Your words are much appreciated!
    Ginny

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  8. Just saw your comment too. Thanks Mama Zen.

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  9. A beautifully introspective piece of youthful thoughts and times. Great use of the form.

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  10. Reflective moment caught by the form

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  11. Yes Ginny I agree on the c/c line internal rhyme. Fine piece.

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  12. You got good rhythm going - apart from the 'Time' that Luke picked up on (!) - but the whole was a delightful read, which I've not been able to say often today! :)

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  13. PS - and I see you sorted the 'time' issue anyway! :)

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  14. This really read smoothly and I loved the word "uncouth". The octane was fun to write. :)

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Thank you for reading my poetry and sharing your thoughts.